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Ever since I was in high school, I always thought I had everything figured out; career, relationships, my whole future in general. I would ace VCE, go to the University of Melbourne and complete a Bachelor in Commerce degree, do an honours in Finance and then work for a big investment bank.
But somehow, something went wrong along the way. I lost my focus, my objective and the path ahead that I had envisioned. I became immersed in everything else but what was truly important to me. Ever since then, I have been left to pick up the pieces and find my way back to that path, the path that I have always wanted since I was 18.
I admit, I lost my way.
Everyone that has known me since I moved to Australia would probably say that I am a very driven, goal-orientated and motivated person. I’ve never tried to show any weakness and always had everything organized and figured out. I guess I got lost in this, lost in the perception that people had in me and in the end, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore.
It’s not a nice feeling being lost. This feeling of not knowing what to do or feeling so far away from where you want to be is very foreign to me and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s made me lose a lot of faith in myself, question whether I was truly destined for greater things, made me an entirely different person. I tend to hide in a shell a lot more these days compared to when I was in high school or university. I find contentment staying in my room and just drowning myself with movies and TV series. I don’t see my close friends as often as I should and I’ve probably lost that connection that I’ve spent years building. I’ve lost patience in everything, everyone and worst of all, in myself.
The past year has definitely not been easy for me and I think it contributed a lot towards the unhappiness that plagues me right now. Work hasn’t been what I thought it would be. I guess the disappointment in myself haunts me everyday, the high expectations that I had placed in myself taunts me now. The people that I work with are great and they have made it so much easier for me but I still feel like I’m alone. I feel like no one really understands me, all they see is an Asian guy that works hard and smiles all the time but no one really knows what goes on on the inside. I haven’t seen much of my friends over the past year, maybe once every 3 weeks or so. I guess work and being in a relationship definitely took up most of my time and when I had free time I just needed to catch up on rest.
Being in a relationship hasn’t been easy for me either. Despite all the good times and love that I felt and experienced, at the end of the day it was too much. The insecurities, jealousy, fights and her not understanding what it was like to be in my shoes ultimately killed it for me. Throughout the 12 months that we were together I think I can say that I tried like I have never tried before. I guess no one will really understand and know what I felt or went through but me. I invested my entire self into the relationship and made sacrifices that I had never made before and in the end I walked out of it bruised, broken and without a heart. But the thing that kills me the most is how much it killed her when I walked out. I would give anything, absolutely anything for her to understand why I did what I did and not think that I purely just gave up and stopped feeling.
Sometimes I do think it is better to have no heart and no feelings. It’s better to just get on by without any emotions because the good feelings aren’t always necessary worth it when the bad times come rolling in. And that’s what I have been doing with myself for the past 3 months or so. I’ve stopped thinking and feeling.
I think it’s about time that I realized that I can’t stop living in the past and sit here hoping that my future will sort itself out. I’ve dropped everything and stripped myself bare. I have no commitments, no obligations, no emotions anymore. It’s time for me to rebuild my life and get myself back on track and achieve all the things that I have always wanted to achieve.
More importantly, it’s time for me to find myself again. Get to know the real me and what I truly want from this life. I believe that we only get one shot at this thing we call life, so we should make the most of it and never settle because there’s always ways we can improve, achieve more and become a better person. Self-betterment. But right now I need to focus on self-discovery.
Good luck to me.